Les Verdines - Roulottes en Provence
These “gypsy caravans” are so very appealing to me. If I could make any fantasy a reality right now, I would transplant one in an unknown, secluded clearing surrounded by pine trees and encased by mountain peaks so tall and severe that the security of the valley and the daunting task of climbing them would provoke significant thought and hesitation before I ever decided to return to Normal Life or before any other decided to experience Mine.
I would attempt to perceive, learn, experience and write like Thoreau or Dillard. If I grew restless, I would explore the rocky ridges above or caverns below, and hope for adventures like Edward Abbey, Christopher McCandless, or John Muir. If I could not accomplish writing, revelation or adventure, perhaps I would at least obtain inspiration. Primarily, I believe that I would have the time and space to think, to breathe, and if not to “figure things out”, then at least the chance to try.
I know I do not really need that place, seclusion or security, but I would appreciate it. Perhaps I desire it even more because of the constant instability of my life which is defined by unpacked suitcases. Perhaps if I simply found any place to call my own, I would breathe more easily. Not long ago, I stood in the mostly unused garage and longed to sweep it out, paint the walls bright colors, replace the garden tools on the shelves with my books, sit in the corner with a cup of chicken noodle soup and my journal, lock the door and not come out until I had regained some semblance of my sanity.
I know that outside the Hospital walls, that oblivious isolation is impracticable and probably impossible. Even within the Hospital, pure, uninterrupted oblivion took work to maintain, and required a constant lack of expression. I want some place where seclusion and safety are granted even if I decide to sing, even if something makes me smile or laugh, even if I seem happy…someplace where the only judgements or recordings of my moods and behaviors are from myself. I suppose that is my ultimate fantasy - to be accountable only to myself, without the guilt or knowledge of harm that the choice to abandon responsibility results in.